Friday, September 29, 2006

Part 2, Chapter 1:

[...]
It’s astounding how little we care about the fact that our lives are often dictated by the routine of some unsuspecting strangers. They live their lives as usual, as if there were never going to be any consequences to their acts for some unsuspected stranger. We’re billions of individuals running blind in a never-ending tunnel, only occasionally encouraged by someone else’s good fortune.

¯¯¯¯¯¯

I just wrote that tonight. Please, someone talk to me. I'm really bored. I need motivation to write, and right now, no one's encouraging me.

Numbness and quotes

I still have that weird feeling I had yesterday, being out of myself, not feeling reality the way it should be, or the way I'm used to. I don't like feeling disconnected for so long. I like to be in control of my body, of my perceptions. But now, I just feel like going to bed, even though I know I won't sleep at all. I'm just sitting here still, and the only parts of my body that are moving are my hands and eyes. I look around, searching for something perhaps, something that is nowhere to be found here, for sure. I move my fingers to type, the rest of my body only moving when it has to follow my fingers to the extremities of my keyboard. My head is slightly tilted to the right, I haven't moved my feet for so long I'm considered physical re-education before even daring to stand up again.

I hate that. I want to feel energized. I'd like to be hugged too. I need some comfort and some warmth. A hug is like being in a bed, but standing up. Lying in a bed with someone would also be a very (very very very) nice thing.


Here are a couple of interesting quotes for today:

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Noel Coward

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?
Irv Kupcinet

Thursday, September 28, 2006

me

Maybe I'm just egocentric, but I really think my blog is fascinating and worth reading. But maybe it's just me. I've always enjoyed reading things I've written in the past. There are things that make me say "I can't believe I wrote that". Other things make me say "Wow... I wrote that?! That's good". Or mayve it's just me.


Song of the day, "She's electric", by Oasis (in this live version, it's Noel singing, not Liam, unfortunately. Liam's a jackass, but such a performer).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CVJD67nIr8&mode=related&search

Dear Diary, let me tell you about my day...

I feel like I'm out of myself, as if I was floating just an inch over my skin. There, I just hit myself to make sure I still felt something. It took me four punches just to really feel something. The first three attempts were merely a confirmation that a physical contact had occured. It feels as though I couldn't tell the difference between a caress and a slap (which can both be considered as gestures expressing affection, especially during undefined activities (see previous entry)).

All day long, I've been floating around, my feet never really touching the ground. Sure, I was driving a cart, so my feet weren't touching the ground at all, but trust me, there's something more metaphorical about it as well. I worked like a machine, doing tasks pre-programmed in my brain that didn't require any mental input whatsoever. I was going places I had been hundreds of times, places I could find with my eyes closed, had I tried. My mind was elsewhere. I don't know exactly where, though. It wasn't in Italy. It wasn't in BC. It wasn't in Qu├ębec City. It wasn't in St-Michel-de-Bellechasse. It wasn't in Boston. It wasn't in London. It wasn't in South Bend, Indiana. It sure wasn't in Breakeyville.

I was nowhere. I did nothing. I felt nothing. I ate a tasteless poutine. I wrote a meaningless sentence on a piece of paper, which still turned out to be the most productive thing I've done all day. Hell... all week!


"I'm all for dead-end relationships" says Seth to Audrey. "One could argue that even a successful marriage technically is a dead-end relationship."


That was my day.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Personal ad

23 years old immature man with social deficiencies looking for hot female astrophysician, preferably still alive and fertile for long walks and hardcore undefined activities.

Emails and bunnies

I haven't written an email in three weeks. I used to write a couple every day. I always liked writing emails. It's such an interesting medium. You can make an artwork out of an email. You can inspire people with an email. You can make someone's day brighter. That is one thing I've always been extremely good at. Making people feel good about themselves (except in a few occasions where I made people feel like total crap).

It starts from a thought, then it unfolds as a story. Finally, the poetry of the compliment wraps you in warmth. It just feels like a sunday morning, staying in bed late into the day, not sleeping, just being comfy and generally well. My emails are a blanket of words, keeping your mind warm, protected for as long as you'll be able to stay there, remain separated from the world, willfully ignorant.

People just don't email me anymore. I don't email people much either, because it seems as though nothing good for me ever comes out of it. I'm the giver who's never given anything.

Who'd give to a creepy guy like me?


Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
Dylan Thomas

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Limits

I sometimes feel like the only limits to what I can do are my own prejudices and fears. Sometimes... no, I mean, all the time, I feel like that. Maybe one day someone will quote me (do it!). The only limits to what I can do are my own prejudices and fears. Sounds good.

I dream of a life in which I'm a published writer and an eternal student. I want to study ancient history and ancient languages. Some more modern languages as well. Re-learn and improve my german. Learn russian. Chinese. Arabic (if I spoke arabic, I could get a job at the Canadian Security Intelligence Service with a really good salary... not interested). I would also like to study astrophysic. What a thrill.

I would like to coach a baseball team too. Teach kids the passion of the game and the secret of an injury-free career and the best curveball in the world. I would like to be an assistant coach on a football team. Would be great.

I would like to take long walks. I'd like to have a lot of free time.

Honestly, how many of these dreams are realistic? At once, I mean. Sure, each one, individually, is well within reach. But all of them? Are there enough hours in a lifetime for that? Maybe I could coach a baseball team from 30 years old to 35, then be a football assistant coach from 35 to 40. I could learn languages at the same time. I could publish between 25 and 30, and a few others over the next 40 years. I could go back to college at 40 to study ancient history and languages.

In the end, I guess the solution would be to meet a rich girl. Money buys time. Money can eliminate some of the fears. With fears mostly gone, prejudices don't interfere as much with your thought process. Finally the self-imposed limits exist no longer. Suddenly I can do whatever I want. Suddenly, I'm a man no more. I've risen above the ground. I'm a blackhole around which all that is revolves. I attract knowledge. I absorb concepts. I understand so much that I become incomprehensible. People will only know I'm there, but won't ever be able to see me or touch me, unless they want to be sucked in and live the thrill of the unknown and unexplainable.

Come live the thrill.

Friday, September 22, 2006

The events of the next few weeks will determine what I will do next year. The events of this winter will further determine what I will do next year and over the next several years. I give myself until 2010 to get an idea of what I want to do with my life, really, unless things align themselves naturally meanwhile, or unless I knock a girl up and get stuck in a dead-end. Just kidding.

I want to take the next few years to travel. See bits of the world. Find my place perhaps. Get out of my comfort zone. Re-discover myself.

In 2010, chances are I'll be in British Columbia. Kelowna, perhaps. I have a job there waiting for me. I have friends there waiting for me. I have free golf there waiting for me. I have moutains and fresh air there waiting for me. But not now. I have more important things to do, more interesting things to see. I have people to meet. I have experiences to live.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Birthday

Oh, before I forget. I'd like to wish a happy birthday to that girl that I haven't seen in more than three years, that I met 7 years ago, walking around during a thunderstorm. That was an awesome day, perhaps the wettest day of my life prior to getting a job on a golf course.

I know she isn't reading this, but Happy Birthday anyway!




P.S. Yes, I do have that kind of awesome memory, which allows me to remember the anniversary of people who probably don't even remember me.

Pathetic post of the week

At one point, she told me: "Thinking of you getting worse makes me think of me getting worse, and I can't stand the thought of someone feeling that." She doesn't realize that I feel like that every day. I just can't stand the thought of her being numb, being scared, being confused... just being overly fragile. It makes me weak as well. It makes me unstable. It confuses me a little. It highlights my own numbness. I could just stop thinking about her, move on and build something new. I theoretically "could" stop thinking about her, but practically, it's much harder. The only way I know not to think about her is to think about something else, preferably someone else.

Where could I find a new obsession? Is there someone else in this world I would write a book for? Is someone else in this world worthy of me spending nearly three years and a half thinking about her? Maybe I'm just sick, a sociopath, a delusional, a retard of some kind. Sure, we're all retards in our own ways. Me... I'm just a social retard. It's not that I can't or don't know how to meet people. It's just that I don't wanna. When people disappoint me, I don't always give them another chance. Perhaps I'm too picky. I'm expecting people to impress me in some regard. Where has my fascination with small details gone? Didn't I use to fall in love with a girl just because she was reading on the bus (it depended on the book, of course)?

Give me a shy girl reading a book, just to see if I can still fall in love, just like that.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

something

The lack of reciprocity has always annoyed me, but that's generally something very common when so far in your exploration of life and the universe, you remain one of a kind. You end up falling in love with the first imperfect reflection of the illusion of yourself that you wear as a mask.

Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.
W. Somerset Maugham


Have I played the freak act so long that I've now become one? Or was I one to begin with? Was I normal then and am I normal now without even being aware of it? Is doubt worth the time I invest in it?

Certainties:

  1. I want to be elsewhere. Anywhere;
  2. I want to write more than anything else;
  3. I want to be loved;
  4. I want to know everything, understand everything;
  5. and many more.

Why is it that every time I see the words "many more", I think "Mandy Moore"? Oh.. is it the rhyme?!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Quote of the day and an attempts at breaking that boredom streak

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
William James

¯¯¯¯¯¯

Blah. I just can't do it. Just bored. Nothing comes up. I'm helpless.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Does anybody really think I actually yelled?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Oh... and a few quotes.

This is the title of the second chapter of the third part of the novel I'm writing:

"The non-cosmological tale of a supermassive asshole"

I want to write so much. Now, I just need to get some time away from home to concentrate a little. It's going to be a great story. Writing is my drug. I'm partying hard. I'm weird.

Quotes of the day:

We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.
John M. Ford

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

I think I may have already quoted one or both of these quotes... I'll have to check.

Friday, September 08, 2006

meh

I'm vulnerable, yet strong. I'm so fucking stubborn, too.

I'm lonely. I don't like people. I like people who are far away, people who give me time to think before I build my sentences and write them in a chat window.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Go!

It's my twin nieces' birthday today. Happy birthday girls!

Yes, I'm an uncle. Sounds weird, when I think about it. I barely have one toe in the door of life, and I'm uncle to 3 years old twins. I guess one day I might just say: "Seems weird, when I think about it. I barely have a foot across the door of life and I already have a kid."

I don't see that day coming soon, though. It's not that I don't like kids. It's not that I don't trust myself on that regard (raising children and all). It's just that I don't see how I could find the woman that will have these kids with me. I can't see how anyone could stay long enough with me to actually have a baby. I can't even see the whole flirting, dating and exploring part. I don't flirt. I don't date.

Why wouldn't a girl ask me out for a change? I think I'm pretty good at asking out. I asked out three girls and all three accepted and went on a date with me. I'm good. That's 100%. A+. But, every time, there's disappointment. The date goes wrong. The girl goes wrong. Nothing goes wrong, but nothing's really right to begin with. Now, I just don't ask girls out and don't go on dates. I skip all the stress and cut on the disappointments.

I want a girl to show interest in me, just once, just to see what it's like. Oh, it happened to me before. That annoying girl I've dated three times was sporadically interested in me. But it wasn't enough. And she was annoying. There's also a little girl. When I was 18, there was this girl, perhaps 14 years old, who was madly in love with me. I was the worst kept secret ever. So much that I shouldn't even be calling it a secret, not even in a lesser degree. She had told everyone but me, but everyone told me, and I could see it anyway. That's not the kind of interest I'm looking for. I'm looking for curiosity and desire.

Curiosity and desire, people! And someone who's willing to make the first step. Now, spread the word, look around and find me a woman!

Go!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Music videos of the day

3 libras - A Perfect Circle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnYPimATnUo

Awesomest cheesy song... is it the keyboard? Is it the sax? Is it the silly video? I don't know, but I love it. Dreaming of you - The Coral
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtvGHE0RkP4

Quotes of the day

It's very frustrating to always have the answers to every question, yet still feel stupid.
Me
I haven't taken any step in any direction, yet I feel I'm already going the wrong way.
Me again

The non-step towards catharsis

I feel like I should write some. I need the cathartic powers of words right now. But how? What to say? Let's improvise.

I've been listening to a lot of blues lately, especially Bobby Bland. Cry cry cry, (If loving you is wrong) I don't want to be right, I pity the fool, Stormy Monday Blues, Ain't nothing you can do, etc. It's probably not the best thing to do when you're depressed. It reminds me that time I was really down and I listened to 3 Slipknot albums one after another. That wasn't really cheerful. Don't worry, I didn't try to kill myself after that.

I would never try to kill myself. I'm far too afraid of hurting myself. It's stupid how I'm annoyed and constantly complain about stupid little pains, like my back, my wrist or my shoulder. Those are just the result of me not taking enough care of my body. I've done a lot of sports in my life, but I've never warmed up and stretched before. So I got injured and I never really gave it time to heal completely. So, my back has hurt for close to 10 years, my shoulder for 6 years and my wrist for 5 months. The worst thing is that I know exactly what I'd have to do to get rid of it, but I'm just too lazy. I lack discipline. It's very frustrating to always have the answers to every question, yet still feel stupid.

Whoa... I'll have to quote myself after this entry.

Is the catharsis complete? I guess not. I don't think it has even started. I haven't taken any step in any direction, yet I feel I'm already going the wrong way.

Whoa... I'll have to quote myself again after this entry.


End entry.

Friday, September 01, 2006