deaths

Even though I had an interesting day, I still wish I wasn't alone tonight.

An aura of death hovers around most of the people I've considered friends at one point or another. It starts with my very first friend, whom I presume to be dead by now. Then, Éric, the best friend who committed suicide. The list goes on. I don't want to get into it much more, because there's someone on that list I'm trying not to think about at the moment.

At times I've wondered whether I attracted people who were likely to die or if I was attracted to people who were likely to die? In Audrey's case, my very first friend, how could I only know she was going to have leukemia and eventually die... no way I could be aware of it at that time. Let's just call it a coincidence. Or maybe I'm just looking for death around me more than most. Perhaps everybody has that friend who committed suicide, that other friend who had a disease or that other friend who died in a car crash. Perhaps tons of people have all three of those, just like me, but they just don't make as big a deal about it as I do. I feel like these deaths will always be with me, that I will always keep them close to me. In a dream, I named my first child Audrey. I suppose that in that dream, my first baby boy would have been Éric. The third? I don't know. There are names I absolutely want to avoid.

I don't want to sleep alone tonight. My bed feels like a coffin. I hate october 12ths.