Tomorrow will be the sixth anniversary of my best friend's suicide. I usually consider that event as the beginning of my acceleration towards insanity. I was already on a gentle slope before, but from that moment, it became steeper than I could handle. I started having intense issues with people, dealing with them, just being with them. I became more and more anxious every day, until I could just find an original way to give up. I've never really given up the same way. I wouldn't let myself do that. I always had to surprise people, to shock them a little. Each time, it was a message I sent, saying: "Fuck your expectations, world, fuck it!"
I worked on disappointing people ever since, because anything short of pure admiration wouldn't be enough, and I'd rather just be overlooked, underestimated, underappreciated, than being just another ordinary guy. Duality, again. The truth is that I, myself, can't stand being in the middle of the pack. I've always described myself as an observer, a character on the edge of a painting, out of focus, barely noticeable, looking at the scene without apparent interest. It gives me a sense of superiority. It usually means that I'm not the victim of any given event, since I'm not active in any of these events.
This is my downward spiral of passivity. It started 19 years ago. It prevented me from preventing my best friend's suicide, six years ago. It's preventing myself now from getting the very admiration I crave. But honestly, am I not spectacular in my disappointing kind of way?
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