Thursday, June 19, 2008

Angry Angry Hippo

I've realized with time that I used to be expressionless. But not anymore. Now, I do express feelings and emotions. Mostly anger.

I keep getting angry at trivial things, like rain or inanimate objects. I kick tires with a footful of rage (tires, because it's bouncy, and while I'm angry, I'm not stupid enough to actually injure myself on top of it. I don't need that to be hurt anyway). I yell at people. I even yell insults at my boss. Well... I've done that for years, so it's nothing new. But this angry side is starting to worry me. Bad for the blood pressure.

I'm back where I was a teenager. Looking to pick a fight. How did I manage to get rid of it for nearly ten years? I can't remember. Was it just numbness and disinterest? Yes, apathy. How can apathy be the cause and the solution to all of my problem?

Not there yet

I keep hoping I'll hit the bottom, but my free fall appears endless. How much more depressed can I be? I can't buy myself a new pen whenever I feel bad. I can't jump on a plane every time I feel blue. I don't know.

Yes, I do like purchasing pens. Girls get a new haircut to feel better about themselves. I buy myself a pen. My current pen is really hard to beat, though. Greatest pen ever.

Back on topic... I had this theory that once I get to that point where I'm sincerely disgusted of being who I am, I'd have no choice but change into something else, hopefully better. But I've never hated myself enough, and I keep waiting for the worse to come. Or for the best to come.

Listen, people. I could do really great things if only I had the desire. I need desire, but I desire nothing, except that which I can't have, or doesn't exist.

Help me.

Monday, June 16, 2008

It came to me that it isn't a muse that I may need. I don't really need inspiration. I need motivation. But still, a muse could come in handy, if I were to struggle with ideas. So, I'll keep looking for a muse still. Perhaps I could manage to fall in love with my muse, and thus find some motivation.

Here's a reason why a muse should work for me: I'm awesome!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Muse wanted

I need a muse. I need that person in my life that will come every now and then and stir things up and shake me out of whatever type of apathy it is that paralyzes me on a daily basis. I need a mental challenge, or someone interested enough to make me talk about these things that I know and want to write about. Right now, I'm just letting it brew inside, but to no avail. I have to spill it and share it, and make it into something else altogether.

But no muse, no spilling, no evolving into something else. I know I have all I need in me, but I just need someone to pull it out. Otherwise, I won't do it.


The salary's not great, but the benefits are... me!