Thursday, July 02, 2009

My brother is going to be 35 tomorrow. I'm 26. It's somehow weird to feel that I am to my nieces what my uncles were to me when I was 5 year old. I'm old. My brother's even older. We're old. My brother met his wife when he was younger than I am. My other brother met his girlfriend when he was 21-22 (well, he met her long before, but they started dating only then). With each year passing by, my odds of finding someone and have kids of my own are getting slimmer. Well, with progress in medicine and all, and the fact that older men always seem to find girls in their 20s interested in them... my odds aren't all that slim either.

In answer to what someone said in the comment pop-up window of one of my recent entries, I'm not looking for love to make me better. I'm not looking for excitement and a rush of endorphins. I know better. I know myself better than that. I know that whatever excitement or exhilaration that might be expected just wouldn't come. I just don't get excited... ever. It pisses people off, but it's true. So, back to what I was saying, I'm not counting on love to enhance my life in any major way. You all don't notice it, because most of you love and are loved in some degree. But for someone who has never shared a connection with another human being, like me, love is a little thing, a completely natural thing, that is missing. It's like someone giving away a kidney to a parent in need... they know the kidney should be there, they know they can live without it, but still, it's missing. It should be there, but it isn't. Perhaps for the better, because the alternative might be terribly sad, just like throwing myself into a relationship just to make myself feel better might be terribly destructive. But still, it's missing.

I'm looking for my missing kidney. Not at any cost. And if I don't find that kidney, too bad, but I'll live on (if I pushed this analogy further, dialysis might become a metaphor for masturbation). I'll take my time. Slim odds or not, it's better to be looking than to be daydreaming.

Hey people, think of the weirdest and smartest person you know, and if it's the same person, and that person is a female, and a human being, and cute, then tell me!

Friday, June 26, 2009

I don't exactly suffer from writer's block, seeing how I can basically write at will. What I have is more like a human being's block, in that I don't seem to get the simple action of living going. Whereas I have literary inspiration, I am overly uninspired in life.

I have all these ideas that would be worth exploring, that I keep to myself. I honestly think I could change the world in a positive way. But even if I did, what then? What would prevent the world from decaying all over again? I'm too cynical to believe mankind will survive its identity crisis. Why bother?

So, what should I do? Go see a shrink and have myself some drug prescribed that artificially uplifts me? Go see a cult and have myself brainwashed and turned into a wide-eyed grinning faithful? Go nowhere and remain who I am, and forever remain that way until humanity and I are no longer part of this universe? Who am I kidding... I won't live that long.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

So... this is 2009... nice.

It's almost been a year since I last posted on this blog. I've done much of my blogging on facebook, where my friends would almost be forced to see it. Not necessarily forced to read it, but it would be right in their faces. But over the time, more people I wouldn't consider friends were added, and I'm just too lazy to block them all from seeing my little notes. So, I thought I would resurrect this old fantastic blog of mine.

I tend to blog when I'm down. I wouldn't say depressed, because my entire life is one big long depression. Its evenness is almost hard to believe. I never get quite high, never get quite low. I'm always stable, below the average, I suppose. That's this evenness of mood that drives people crazy. Friends try to take me do things and ask me: "Aren't you having fun?" And I answer, "Sure, why not?" And it pisses them off. Last year, three friends and I went to New York, and they asked me whether I was impressed, and I had to tell them I was, because otherwise, it didn't show on my face. I'm always calm and straight-faced. That's why I was the only one not to panic when we got lost, or when strange people walked by. Fearlessness comes with the dullness, I guess.

Yesterday, and carrying it through the night into this saturday morning, I was lower than usual. Again, it's only slightly lower, because of my very limited emotional spectrum. I was thinking about the relationships I've never had, and maybe never will. I figured that the longer it takes me to find someone to love, the harder it will be for me to act normal. Sadly, there's no stability without some normalcy. And my being so stable emotionally (granted, I stabilized real low too) is anormal. Who would have thought stability would prevent me from finding stability in love?

A couple of years ago, after seeing TV ads and internet banners, I decided to give a dating site a chance. It wasn't just any site, but one that sounded somewhat different and somewhat credible. Sure, any site can make itself look good by using the 2 or 3 successes in publicities, discarding their thousands of failures. But there was something about this one site, though. When you registered (for free), you filled in the form and then you answered surveys. It was something like a psychological profile. Then the computer went and tried to match your personality with others. Only then, after seeing the results, you had to pay to contact the people found. So, I filled the form, answered the question and all... the result: ZERO match! I'm totally incompatible with their entire database of thousands. I can imagine some people being compatible with between 1 and 5% of the population. I'm not even compatible with 0,1% of the population.

No surprise, then, that I've always fallen in love with girls who didn't love me, and those who happened to love me, I just couldn't get myself to love (I even tried, fancy that). But that internet site... that's the most incredible part: first internet site EVER to refrain from making money off of a vulnerable person. Out of pity, perhaps.

I so couldn't have written this on facebook.