It's almost been a year since I last posted on this blog. I've done much of my blogging on facebook, where my friends would almost be forced to see it. Not necessarily forced to read it, but it would be right in their faces. But over the time, more people I wouldn't consider friends were added, and I'm just too lazy to block them all from seeing my little notes. So, I thought I would resurrect this old fantastic blog of mine.
I tend to blog when I'm down. I wouldn't say depressed, because my entire life is one big long depression. Its evenness is almost hard to believe. I never get quite high, never get quite low. I'm always stable, below the average, I suppose. That's this evenness of mood that drives people crazy. Friends try to take me do things and ask me: "Aren't you having fun?" And I answer, "Sure, why not?" And it pisses them off. Last year, three friends and I went to New York, and they asked me whether I was impressed, and I had to tell them I was, because otherwise, it didn't show on my face. I'm always calm and straight-faced. That's why I was the only one not to panic when we got lost, or when strange people walked by. Fearlessness comes with the dullness, I guess.
Yesterday, and carrying it through the night into this saturday morning, I was lower than usual. Again, it's only slightly lower, because of my very limited emotional spectrum. I was thinking about the relationships I've never had, and maybe never will. I figured that the longer it takes me to find someone to love, the harder it will be for me to act normal. Sadly, there's no stability without some normalcy. And my being so stable emotionally (granted, I stabilized real low too) is anormal. Who would have thought stability would prevent me from finding stability in love?
A couple of years ago, after seeing TV ads and internet banners, I decided to give a dating site a chance. It wasn't just any site, but one that sounded somewhat different and somewhat credible. Sure, any site can make itself look good by using the 2 or 3 successes in publicities, discarding their thousands of failures. But there was something about this one site, though. When you registered (for free), you filled in the form and then you answered surveys. It was something like a psychological profile. Then the computer went and tried to match your personality with others. Only then, after seeing the results, you had to pay to contact the people found. So, I filled the form, answered the question and all... the result: ZERO match! I'm totally incompatible with their entire database of thousands. I can imagine some people being compatible with between 1 and 5% of the population. I'm not even compatible with 0,1% of the population.
No surprise, then, that I've always fallen in love with girls who didn't love me, and those who happened to love me, I just couldn't get myself to love (I even tried, fancy that). But that internet site... that's the most incredible part: first internet site EVER to refrain from making money off of a vulnerable person. Out of pity, perhaps.
I so couldn't have written this on facebook.