Thursday, July 02, 2009

My brother is going to be 35 tomorrow. I'm 26. It's somehow weird to feel that I am to my nieces what my uncles were to me when I was 5 year old. I'm old. My brother's even older. We're old. My brother met his wife when he was younger than I am. My other brother met his girlfriend when he was 21-22 (well, he met her long before, but they started dating only then). With each year passing by, my odds of finding someone and have kids of my own are getting slimmer. Well, with progress in medicine and all, and the fact that older men always seem to find girls in their 20s interested in them... my odds aren't all that slim either.

In answer to what someone said in the comment pop-up window of one of my recent entries, I'm not looking for love to make me better. I'm not looking for excitement and a rush of endorphins. I know better. I know myself better than that. I know that whatever excitement or exhilaration that might be expected just wouldn't come. I just don't get excited... ever. It pisses people off, but it's true. So, back to what I was saying, I'm not counting on love to enhance my life in any major way. You all don't notice it, because most of you love and are loved in some degree. But for someone who has never shared a connection with another human being, like me, love is a little thing, a completely natural thing, that is missing. It's like someone giving away a kidney to a parent in need... they know the kidney should be there, they know they can live without it, but still, it's missing. It should be there, but it isn't. Perhaps for the better, because the alternative might be terribly sad, just like throwing myself into a relationship just to make myself feel better might be terribly destructive. But still, it's missing.

I'm looking for my missing kidney. Not at any cost. And if I don't find that kidney, too bad, but I'll live on (if I pushed this analogy further, dialysis might become a metaphor for masturbation). I'll take my time. Slim odds or not, it's better to be looking than to be daydreaming.

Hey people, think of the weirdest and smartest person you know, and if it's the same person, and that person is a female, and a human being, and cute, then tell me!