Thursday, July 02, 2009

My brother is going to be 35 tomorrow. I'm 26. It's somehow weird to feel that I am to my nieces what my uncles were to me when I was 5 year old. I'm old. My brother's even older. We're old. My brother met his wife when he was younger than I am. My other brother met his girlfriend when he was 21-22 (well, he met her long before, but they started dating only then). With each year passing by, my odds of finding someone and have kids of my own are getting slimmer. Well, with progress in medicine and all, and the fact that older men always seem to find girls in their 20s interested in them... my odds aren't all that slim either.

In answer to what someone said in the comment pop-up window of one of my recent entries, I'm not looking for love to make me better. I'm not looking for excitement and a rush of endorphins. I know better. I know myself better than that. I know that whatever excitement or exhilaration that might be expected just wouldn't come. I just don't get excited... ever. It pisses people off, but it's true. So, back to what I was saying, I'm not counting on love to enhance my life in any major way. You all don't notice it, because most of you love and are loved in some degree. But for someone who has never shared a connection with another human being, like me, love is a little thing, a completely natural thing, that is missing. It's like someone giving away a kidney to a parent in need... they know the kidney should be there, they know they can live without it, but still, it's missing. It should be there, but it isn't. Perhaps for the better, because the alternative might be terribly sad, just like throwing myself into a relationship just to make myself feel better might be terribly destructive. But still, it's missing.

I'm looking for my missing kidney. Not at any cost. And if I don't find that kidney, too bad, but I'll live on (if I pushed this analogy further, dialysis might become a metaphor for masturbation). I'll take my time. Slim odds or not, it's better to be looking than to be daydreaming.

Hey people, think of the weirdest and smartest person you know, and if it's the same person, and that person is a female, and a human being, and cute, then tell me!


Raisa said...

that bites :/

..and what will make that poor female weirdo, settle for being just a missing kedney?

Frank said...

In due time, I will find another metaphor. This one only describe my approach, in the sense that finding someone isn't a matter of life or death. No analogy fits perfectly the situation it describes. It describes only a facet of it.

For your information, a woman in my life wouldn't just be a replacement organ. But how can I explain it without having you criticize the inaccuracies of my analogy?

Raisa said...

my bad Frank :)

that analogy actually fits good, I'll keep an eye for ya

Jane said...

Hey Frank :) I hope you remember me. It's nice to read your blog entries after so many years. Yes, we're all getting older, I turned 23 this year, and I feel ancient. The pressures to grow up and settle into family life are at times overwhelming. But we'll manage. Some girl will come into your life one day and make you smile like you've never smiled before, and one day I'll gain the courage to get married and not run away from commitment like I always do. Hang in there. I love you and I hope you're doing ok.

Frank said...

Which Jane are you again? I once knew an australian one. Is that you? Other than that, there might have been a couple more... where do we know each other from?

Frank said...

Hey Jane, since I'm curious, email me at It's my trash account, but I look through the trash every once in a while. I'm dirty.